It All Started With A Chocolate Chip Cookie
by FandomsForeva
Summary: Everyone at Hogwarts but Harry is acting strange. Very strange, in fact. Maybe even...OOC. Basically me poking fun at every annoying cliche in OOC Hary Potter fanfics.


"Do you want milk with that cookie?" Draco Malfoy asked.

Harry blinked. He was getting very confused. This was the second Slytherin who had done something nice for him today. Perhaps it was National Nice Day? Or maybe it was something in the water. He would ask Hermione.

Now to the matter at hand…"I'm sorry, did you make those cookies?" Harry asked Malfoy.

Malfoy suddenly glared at him and threw the platter of cookies on the ground. "Did you really think I did, Pothead? Do you think I would make cookies for the man that stole my beloved Ginevra?"

Feeling extremely confused now, Harry considered making an escape. "I'm sorry, did you say your 'beloved' Ginevra?"

Malfoy kicked the ground. "You can have her. The one I really love is that beautiful Hermione Granger. I want to...eh...do the nasty with her, but I also love her great intellect and stuff."

Harry wondered if he should Stun Malfoy and take him to the hospital wing. "Um…"

"WHY DOESN'T MY FATHER LOVE ME?!" Malfoy began wailing. "I'M GOING TO BECOME A GOTH AND CUT MYSELF, SOMETHING THAT REALLY SHOULDN'T BE THROWN AROUND IN SUCH A TRIVIAL MANNER! BUT I'M REALLY A VAMPIRE SO I WON'T BLEED ANYWAY! GET AWAY FROM ME, PARKINSON!"

Harry looked around. No one else was there.

Malfoy skipped away, now singing: "I love you! You love me! We are a big happy family!"

 _He's really gone mad,_ thought Harry.

On the way to breakfast, Cho Chang popped up from behind a suit of armor and started squealing. Harry had a mild heart attack. He considered putting on his invisibility cloak. Dumbledore probably would have reccomended that, what with all the strange goings-on.

"Hi, Harry! You wanna go to Hogsmeade with me?" Cho continued to make goo-goo eyes at him.

Cho was oriented in Hogwarts gossip, more than he was. "Uh, Cho, you know that I have a girlfriend, right? We're not breaking up anytime soon."

Cho said with an evil smile, "That can be arranged."

"I'm sorry, what?" Harry said, feeling very, very confused.

Cho giggled. "Bye, Harry," she chirped, as she pecked him on the cheek and ran

away.

"Sir, I'm going to need your answer now," said Malfoy, back again and holding another tray of cookies. "I don't mind standing here, but I must get to breakfast where I shall meet my loyal friends."

Harry ran away.

When he got to the entrance hall, he heard a scream. It was Hermione, lying on the floor, crying and screeching, with a paper in her hand. Harry ran over to her. "What is it?" he asked.

Hermione was crying hysterically. "No! Noooooo! My shame is complete! I have gotten an A- on a test!"

Everyone in the entrance hall gasped and stared. A few Slytherins came over to comfort Hermione, including Pansy Parkinson, who insisted on bequeathing Hermione with a box of bonbons. The Ravenclaws all turned their heads up in disgust. Ernie MacMillian cussed. "#$% &**& ! How d'ya think that makes the rest of us feel? We got Ds!"

Hermione suddenly jumped up and ripped the upper part of her shirt open, nearly flashing everyone in the entrance hall. "You think I care, you loser Hufflepuff? I am Hogwarts's queen of...eh...rolling in the hay! Who wants to make out with me?"

Ron came up from behind Hermione and said in a sultry voice, "me! Pick me!"

Hermione slapped him. "I HATE YOU, WEASLEY! DON'T EVER COME NEAR ME AGAIN!"

Blaise Zabini tentatively raised his hand. "You want to make out with me instead?"

"I HATE ALL SLYTHERINS, YOU IDIOT! GRADES ARE EVERYTHING! DO IT TODAY OR LATER YOU'LL PAY!"

Zabini sat back down.

Hermione looked around her. "On second thought, I want to make out with Malfoy now...oh, that gorgeous Malfoy. But Zabini, if he doesn't want to make out, I'll come to you."

Zabini, who was now making out with Daphne Greengrass, didn't even look up.

Hermione looked around and found Malfoy, who was now making out with Ginny. And suddenly, this got personal. Harry stormed over to them. "Ginny! What're you doing? Aren't you dating me?!"

Ginny pulled away from Malfoy. "You think I care, Pothead? You're just a little boy. My Draco is a man! A man! And don't you dare call me Ginny! I go by Virginia now!"

"Ginny, that isn't even your name!"

"SHUT THE FRICK UP!"

Harry heard a dull 'thunk' next to him. He looked over and saw Hermione on the ground. It was apparent that she had passed out, due to either getting an A minus or due to the lack of males to make out with her. Whatever the reason, Harry had had enough. It was time to make a break for it. At the last second, Harry decided to bring Hermione with him. She was good enough of a friend for her to deserve that.

And so Harry made his escape out of the Great Hall, dragging Hermione along. Beside them, suddenly, was Professor Dumbledore, stumbling and tripping over his own robes. He was holding a bottle of Madam Rosmerta's Finest Oak-Matured Mead and smelled of liquor. "Hiya, Hawwy!" he gurgled drunkenly. "Wassap?"

Harry edged away slowly and accidentally smashed Hermione's head into the doorway. "Nothing, Professor," he answered.

"Cuz, like, I was thinking," Dumbledore slurred, "That we could, like, have a swag par-tay-"

And suddenly, Dumbledore was on the ground, knocked out by two rocks thrown by Zacharias Smith.

Harry dropped Hermione and ran away, out onto the school grounds...and stopped when he saw Voldemort, sitting on a rock.

Voldemort looked over at him. "Potter!" he hissed.

Harry went for his wand. "How did you get here?" he said, instantly feeling rather scared. He wasn't sure if he had enough training to kill Voldemort's body, and even then, there were the Horcruxes to worry about.

"The general protection on the Hogwarts grounds has been dispelled," said Voldemort, giving a snarling laugh.

"What! How?"

"You seek to talk in order to prolong your own life, Potter," said Voldemort. "But I see no reason for you not to know. It was taken down by a deus ex machina, in an effort for a Mary Sue to be able to save the day."

Harry was now even more confused. Was Voldemort _trying_ to confuse him so that he would be easier to defeat? "What's a...Mary Sue?"

"You mean that Dumbledore hasn't told you about the Sue? Very well, then, Potter...the Sue is the one thing in the world that can cause more damage than I. It is perfect in every way...and it changes the behavior of those around it so that those people obey its whims. But even the Sue itself is just a puppet...of the dreaded Suethor."

Harry felt ill. "So you're saying that this...Suethor...is the reason that my friends are action so strange?"

"Yes, yes," snapped Voldemort, picking up his wand. "They're OOC."

"What's OOC mean?"

"You stupid brat! It stands for Out Of Character!" Voldemort snapped.

"Wait...out of character? Do you mean to tell me that we're just _book_ characters?" Harry asked.

"Don't tell me you haven't felt the readers peering in on us," said Voldemort angrily.

 _All those times I felt like someone was watching me,_ realized Harry, _it was just a reader._

"And you're going to kill me now?" Harry asked, wand at the ready.

"Hardly," snorted Voldemort. "It's not worth it."

"Wait!" Harry exclaimed. "Does this mean that you're, er, OOC as well?"

"Perhaps," said Voldemort, a glint in his eye. "Or maybe I just don't have to do the deed myself."

At that, all of the Hogwarts students were outside and staring menacingly at Harry. "Get him!" the general cry went up.

Harry woke up with a start and looked around the dormitory at Neville, Dean, Seamus, and Ron. He breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank god," he mumbled as he put on his clothes. "It was only a dream."

He went downstairs for breakfast, and everything was as it should be. He passed Malfoy, and was even glad to see the sneer on Malfoy's face.

"Oi! Potthead! Do you want a cookie?"


End file.
